DisneyWeird 2: An Orgy of Bacon in the Land of Magic

There's no pain in the world; no suffering, no trauma, no emotional distress, that a pound of bacon won't cure.

We found ourselves at the scene of what those in the Disney trade call a "character breakfast" and it promised to be the most intense thrill-ride of them all: a total psychic cleansing, a bloodbath of the psyche that would leave even the strongest cynics on their knees and weeping on the day-glo carpet.

The Character Breakfast is an intense experience, a cafeteria restaurant on LSD. The decor is a hyper frenzy of color, and the scent of bacon is stronger than the incense at a Catholic high mass.

And it was a rather religious scene: Sixteen million children ran about like crazed worshippers, falling about the heels of the seven-foot Disney creatures that visited each table. The characters pranced and strutted about behind their white plastic eyes, but it was their silence that seemed the most creepy. In cartoons, these critters always talk too much, but here, they've become enormous mute puppets.

The "characters" traveled in a very precise circuit around the restaurant, visiting each table in turn and never deviating from the path. There was a sense of military order about Disney in general, but it was more obvious here. The visitation route was designed to expose each table to one set of characters before the next wave of customers came in. Disney's grasp on people-moving is impressive.

We tried like hell to interrupt their route, to divert Minnie Mouse to our table and offer her a bit of bacon and flirtatious fun.

Wink-wink. Hang with us...we're the fun people.

She would have none of it. It was like laying sticks down in the middle of a line of army ants: they will ignore the obstacle and proceed as planned.

The Boss must have seen what we were up to, and came over to investigate (photo, above). We were released after a firm lecture about wishes coming true, believing in magic, and keeping our goddamn hands off Minnie Mouse.

go to Part 3.