31 January 2008

Cthulhu in '08: It's official.


In what will be hailed as the Final Triumph of Democracy, Great Cthulhu has won the coveted spot of Supreme Commander of these United States.

The poll conducted here at IntangibleArts was a basic off-the-rack Blogger widget, added to the page in an intoxicated spasm of patriotic craziness. The poll's headline was SELECT YOUR NEXT PRESIDENT and it remained on the site for two weeks, slowly collecting votes.

But why such a collection of oddballs? Because honestly, the current race for the White House is doomed to mimic all the others: The fascist madman or the "mostly harmless" one. The best we can hope for is an alternating pattern between fascism and mostly-harmless-ism, to even out the damage, if you dig...

So this was a race I could get behind, worthy of the great IntangibleArts name.

Voter turnout was a bit on the light side: some 0.0084% of those who visited this site during the poll actually voted. But that's GOT to be higher than the turnout during the Reagan/Mondale race of '84, I'd say.



Cthulu The Great, The Candidate Who Cannot Be Described and Whose Visage Inspires Unspeakable Fear and Torment, captured a majority vote of 46%.

Boyd Rice, legendary noise musician, social darwinist and tiki-bar enthusiast, came in second at 23%.

The Silver Surfer and eternal DC mayoral underdog Faith tied for third at 15%.

And poor Vermin Supreme received no votes at all, which is shocking. His public relations engine was mighty, and clearly he was a Man of the People. Or a Person of the Man. Or something.


PHOTO: Great Cthulu rests in Lafayette Park, gazing across Pennsylvania Avenue at the Very Big White House he will inhabit soon.


The Silver Surfer succeeded in mobilizing the youth vote, but it simply wasn't enough to compete with the unspeakable fear of having one's soul eaten.

Now, the stage is set for Cthulhu to lead (and ultimately consume) this land with Boyd Rice as his second in command. With Cthulhu's grisly image and Boyd Rice's public speaking skills, they are destined to be a strong team. An unstoppable force.

After the poll closed, a mighty parade of Cthulhu and Rice supporters thundered down Pennsylvania Avenue, chanting Rice's "TOTAL WAR" anthem, while symbolically swallowing the souls of cab-drivers and tourists as they passed. They marched aggressively to Martin Denny's polynesian lounge music and waved huge banners that read:

CTHULHU and RICE:
MORE THAN A COMPLETE PROTEIN.


When it was all over, Freedom Plaza and the White House lay in ruins. Cthulhu paused for a moment, picking his teeth with a human thigh-bone and contemplated his victory.

"Yeh" he said, "this one beat the HELL outta Reagan/Mondale..."

3 comments:

The committee to re-elect vermin supreme said...

Vermin Supreme! Demands a Recount!
The blog widget was rigged.
This gross injustice must not and will not be tolerated.
The winged monkeys are on their way.
The secret dental police are right outside your door.
You are surrounded.Resistance is futile.
Come out with your hands up and your pants down.
This is not a test....
Oh yes,and thank you for including me in your poll.
Love to Cthulu and Boyd.

IntangibleArts said...

I was as shocked as thee, VS. But the green tentacled Old Man will have them all (and by extension, us all) for lunch soon.

Cthulhu was the ultimate "fringe candidate" i mean, the fringe! Look at his FACE for godsake!

And there is something vaguely obscene about the phrase "blogger widget". Let us pray.

taleswapper said...

46%? Yet another president without a majority: more people vote against him than for him.