Lord of the Flies: Bodycount report no.1

We at IntangibleArts HQ have been bombarded with urgent requests for updates, following our deployment of a certain chemical warfare agent last week. Read the back-story here.

The agent was deployed almost exactly one week ago, at 3:35pm on Sunday, 13may07. I expected a bloodbath. I sat in my comfy chair inside, and craned my neck to hear the gasping despair of the newly doomed...

But no such gasping despair came.

None came, in fact, for nearly four days. I checked on The Weapon at 1:15pm on Thursday 17may07, and discovered only three small casualties, and they didn't even appear to be flies. They appeared to be FLEAS, actually. Three tiny bodies with teardrop wings. But where are the accursed Green Bottle-Flies? THEY are the ones whose blood I intended to spill.

The first bottlefly fell sometime during the later afternoon hours that same day. I estimate 4:30, Thursday 17may07.

Perhaps that was the magic bullet, because two more have fallen since then. BUT, in the intoxicating madness that can only be described as The Fog of War, an innocent non-combatant was terminated. A large black spider was discovered in the muck today, alongside the flies and (possible) fleas. Time of death must have been sometime Sunday morning, 20may07.


If we have anything to learn from America's recent military history, it's that innocent blood will always be spilled when the battleground comes home, and tactics turn from conventional fighting to guerilla warfare. That poor spider didn't need to meet this kind of end.

But we must choke back our tears and tighten our boot-laces, for the war is long from over. We're in it to win it, and there must be thirty five billion bottle-flies out there who will soon, swiftly, meet their maker.

Thus far, the rather disappointing bodycount is as follows:
POSSIBLE FLEAS: 2
BOTTLE FLIES: 3
BIGASS SPIDER (noncombatant): 1

Lord of the Flies

Phaenicia sericata, most commonly known as the Green Bottle-Fly, is actually quite a beautiful specimen, with its metallic green exoskeleton and bright red compound eyes. It is found across the globe, and is fond of all things rancid: dead animals, excrement, rotten food, etc. These materials make superior venues for laying eggs, as they provide warmth and nutrients for the young hatchlings.

In our back yard, they've had a population explosion. And yes, we pick up after the dog, regularly. But phaenicia sericata is a fast little bastard. They've set up shop and are having quite a party back there.

Enter the Captivator (TM) Fly Trap, as manufactured by Farnham Horse Products of Phoenix, AZ. We stumbled upon this product at a local big-box pet retailer (name withheld: they get enough advertising airtime), and decided to give it a try.

Being an obsessive/compulsive type with a flair for morbid humor, I decided to document this in the name of consumer reporting. Thus, on a regular basis, I will provide progress reports and bodycounts of flies terminated. Perhaps this will be useful to someone out there. If the Captivator (TM) does well, perhaps the Farnham company can contact me. For an enormous fee, I will test their other products here.

That's the setup. Now let's get down to some serious fly-killing.

The Captivator consists of a plastic jar with vented screw-top lid, which enables the scented bait to vent outward, and doomed flies to venture inward. The actual contents of the sealed tube of bait is something of a mystery. But yes, it does smell horrific. Mom used to say, medicine MUST taste bad. It means it's working.

To deploy the weapon, one should wear protective rubber gloves. Twist open the tube of Mysterious Bait Substance and squirt its contents into the empty jar. Then, fill the jar halfway with clean water. Agitate the water to dilute the bait evenly. Then, screw the lid tightly and open the vented lid. Place the unit on the ground, or hang from a line to within 4 feet of the ground. We've opted for this hanging method of deployment. See inset photo. Click for enlargement.

The Captivator was deployed at exactly 3:35pm on Sunday, 13may07, suspended 3 feet above the backyard flowerbed by a line of fashionable brown suede...

Note to self: We really must buy some STRING someday. It's quite useful stuff, certainly, but who actually seeks out STRING, deliberately?

So now, we wait. I will document our progress with frightening detail, and with any luck, word will spread among the phaenicia sericata community of Washington DC, that our home is a place of terror...a place of confinement...a place of suffocation and death.

Stay tuned. This could get very interesting.