28 February 2007

Boxer Diplomacy: a primer

When meeting an Ornamental Oversized Heavyweight Metallic Garden Ant (O.O.H.M.G.A.) for the first time, you must exhibit an attitude of nonchalance bordering on aloof arrogance. Pretend you're hardly noticing the ant. Then proceed swiftly to Step 2.

Approach with cautious confidence. Sniff antennae without pausing. You MUST get through this with no question of your natural superiority. Remember: life is a quest for dominance and all encounters, particularly encounters with OOHMGAs, could have lasting diplomatic consequences if handled poorly. Give the antennae a bold sniff. Betray nothing in your expression. Keep moving directly to Step 3.

After sniffing antennae to assert your confidence, proceed directly to the Ornamental Oversized Heavyweight Metallic Garden Ant's backside. Sniff liberally. Don't let on that you're aware it isn't just another dog. This is important to establish dominance by the end of the encounter. Feign curiosity, as though you're convinced it's a strange new breed... some weird skinny mexican insectoid dog breed, or something.

Having performed the first three steps, exhale through the nose with a hint of boredom and trot away from the OOHMGA.... and forget the awful thing ever existed.

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